Before & After God's transformation

I was widowed at age 39, my kids were 4 and 8 years old when their father, my husband died. He had suffered from ALS for 6 years and was in and out of the hospital several times in the last few months of his life. Even though I, at the end of his life anticipated for him to not make it, I was still in shock! I had already been in anticipatory grief during his years of decrease. But when he actually died and I was widowed I did experience several new layers of grief. I will list three of them here. I will make this post short because, if you are like me you might be:

1. OVERWHELMED:
Being overwhelmed is an understatement. Before the loss, I was overwhelmed sometimes due to being neurodivergent (I have ADD). But in Grief, it took a whole new level. I could not remember the simplest tasks. Did I just brush my teeth? Did I pay the bills or just do that on autopilot? I had to redo things and check if I really had done it. To plan the funeral was also difficult. I had to make decisions I would live with for the rest of my life. Where should we bury him? And things like that. God dropped down memories of my husband’s wishes into my poor memory. Thank God for the help.

2. BEING RESTLESS:
I wanted to RUN from the feelings of grief, or the thoughts of my husband being dead. It was exhausting to feel it. I started projects in my home… I wanted to redo EVERYTHING. Everything that reminded me of him being sick. And also redo wallpapers and floors. God got me to SLOW down. It was weird when I realized I’m not in a survival mood, always ready to step in, day and night for my sick husband and his staff. It was like working as a nurse in ER 24/7. Almost. I am serious. If it wasn’t my husband’s staff, it was his condition, or something he needed support with, or our kids’ needs and wants.

3. EMOTIONALLY DISTANT:
To cope with the funeral I looked at myself in the mirror saying: “I have to turn off today. I can’t make it through the day if I don’t. I have to be there for the kids.” So I did not feel anything, I didn’t cry at the funeral. The first few months I struggled. Should I not cry?? But it was hard, very hard. I couldn’t. When this numbness started to wear off, I cried. So deeply, so deeply. But it was only when God came in a specific way to remind me of something I needed to grieve. It was tears of healing from God.

I hope this post has helped you feel less out of place. If you are in grief, there is no right way of grieving. But sometimes we might need help from a professional, or people around us that we have healthy relationships with. Don't hesitate to seek the help you need.